Jiggles

My son has the funniest sense of humor. Even at my expense, I laugh. On the way to school he begins to laugh hysterically. Then to my horror I get it as he begins to jiggle the fat on my triceps. Then my daughter chimes in and says yea, mommy it jiggles just like your butt when you walk. I laugh with them drop them off at school......then it starts. I'm home and I start looking inspecting my triceps with a vengeance. Poking, grabbing, fake waving...all in front of the mirror mind you and then I turn around and do the same with my jiggly butt. " Poking, grabbing but no fake waving..and then I attempt to do that shakey thing that all the black girls do in the videos right? OMG ....SWOOOOSH to the right and then SWOOOOOSH to the left. When I got the ole' cheeks stopped i was laughing so hard I almost peed. Then I began literally talking to myself. "what in the hell are you doing. Have you lost your mind K" Then I shrugged my shoulders, put my clothes back on and chuckled about it the rest of the day?

Why am I sharing this? I have no idea except that I am just so elated that I don't really care all that much for the first time in my life. I'll be 40 in November and it is going to be the best decade of my life. Single with two great kids and some yet to be determined career.......HOOOOOORAH!

Returning LOSER

Well that is what I think the damn website should say. OK, for anyone remotely interested in why I am looking for a job, please read the very first post I ever did and that will explain everything. You see, I have been living this cushy little life the last few years but it all be over now sistas!

So I am sending out my resume (the 4th version of it) to more jobs than I care to admit. Many of the higher end jobs require that I register on their company website. So I do and then there IT is. That little tiny icon, taunting me, almost laughing, I swear it is. Yep, "returning users" Well What the F*#!? They really should just cut to the chase and call a spade a spade. You see, they really should say. Hey shortbuser, we haven't called you yet which should clearly indicate that we have no use for your sorry ass but please, by all means, click the "returning user" icon and apply to another job WE WONT GIVE YOU.....You see, it should say "returning loser" because I go to these site every day and look for newly posted jobs.....

Oh hell

Oh, yes my chitlens are going to be soooooooo proud of their momma. When they come home they are going to have a new TV to watch. (had a 5K TOSHIBA plasma that is toast after 4 years) NOTE AGAIN A TOSHIBA TOSHIBA TOSHIBA TOSHIBA....really pissed at them. Anyway, I say to myself no problem, you can hook this thing up. You've done this a million times. WHAT THE HELL! Red cable here, yellow cable there, green cable here, blue cable there, coaxle cable here, thingamabingy that looks like a pc usb goes there but only if I have a video up coverter whatzamacallit that I can plug into the HDSTL.......I mean really, does that stand for "HARD DAMN SITE TO LOCATE"? OK, the clouds in my head are thickening and I am starting to get reallllllllllly mad. So, like any normal person would do I get out both manuals. One for the cable box and the one for the TV. Are they helpful? Hell no. One tells me to put the blue cable in the video out but only if I have a yellow cable in the audio in and an S video feed....OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN....again I say "what the hell"? I"m ripping cables out and literally shoving them in every single slot and nothing. So, yes I do it, I call customer service and after 45 minutes on hold and a really nice guy on the other end of the phone who didn't even laugh when the first thing he told me to do was to TURN THE CABLE BOX ON and all is now good.

CHECK OUT MY TROUT!!!

5 3/4 lbs.

Oh yes, I am one BAD ASS FISHING FOOL.......Off the shore, orange power bait...biggest fish of the day caught by anyone.....That's right men, bow to the queen. I am the masta.

In case anyone would like lessons, I am setting up a website and developing an instructional video on the proper techniques of trout fishing. Seriously thinking about going on the tournament circuit........( did I forget to mention it was my first time fishing and I nearly peed myself with excitement trying to reel it in?)

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrific....weekend....part 2

As if Saturday wasn't enough. 6:30am hits on Sunday morning and I'm up again. My mom always tells me I need to have my head examined......oh please don't tell me she's right. Moms can never be right.....right? Anyway, Making lunches, getting sunscreen, packing up the truck, fixing breakfast................For the love of God...............WHERE IS MY COFFEE.................... Barely functioning, I stumble back up the stair to wake the "boys". "Time to get" up in my nicest absolutely forced tone of voice I could muster...........still don't have my coffee. Maybe a nice stiff drink would serve me better this morning....WAIT WAIT WAIT.......I get to go back to bed. The "boys" are going. They have to get up ....BAAAAWAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA. So, I peek my head in one more time. Yo, get up, you gotta go.

Yep, this is what we got up at the crack of dawn for..........PAINTBALL. Just the mention of it sends my son into some world of smack talk and actions that defy logic but he is 10.....wait his dad is 41 so is this right? Nevertheless, they love love love it.

This is what he comes home with and loves every minute of it.

Weekend over............

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrific....weekend

She's in the middle and ready to kick some booty

Blue Cheetah Soccer Rules

9:15 am
Water break

OK Kennedy,when you see the fast one coming at you I want you to throw your foot out there and take her out! Make daddy proud.

Oh and let me mention that I had five little girls staring at me like Bambi. I was "Snack Mom". I look at them and instantly look to their parents who are also looking at me with "the LOOK". I am going, Oh Store High In Transit! So I give the look of shock to them and say "oh was I supposed to have a mid-game snack too? DUH! Yes, I was the winner or should I say weaner. Had no mid-game snack. But I WILL NOT forget it next time. Especially since the mother of "my daughter plays club league" (she's 5, big F'n deal) get over your bad self already, made her suggestions on what I should bring next time. She has no idea how close she came to being the "my daughter plays club" mother without her two front teeth"...MEOWWWWWWW

Oh Yea, just try and get it by me. I've got the stance!!
9:36am

It was the cutest thing. Kennedy didn't know which end was up but she sure knew enough to protect the goal. At one point she through herself in front the goal to stop a ball from going in. That's my girl. OOOOPS, Gotta run....off to Disney

12:40pm

Yep, that is right folkes. See what time it is? We are now at Disneyland eating lunch in the Blue Bayou Restaurant and as you can see, I had no time for a shower so I have hat hair.

ARRRRRRRRGH MATE!!

Could they be any cuter?

Call me stupid but does anyone see a pattern here? Little 10 year old is gettn' some testerone in the ole blood. Oh yea baby you strong. He is a great kid. I am a lucky mom.

Wouldn't it be great if we could really lock out kids up like this?
Oh CRAP, my friends can't see me sitting in Minnie's chair. Mom, stop! Aint funny, you better delete it! ............Sorry babe, you are just not that big yet.

After years of Disney going and hours of waiting, I (i mean we) finally did it. I met (i mean we met) MICKEY MOUSE!

7:30PM

Many of you may know how crazy it gets at Disney and sometimes we think we just may lose it. Well, sadly enough, we did and this is what happened to my children.

9:59 pm ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gramanaise

Gramanaise - term my kids came up with for their crazy grandmother because she eats so much mayonaise it oooooozes off her food....GROSS!!

Slawbage - term my kids came up with for cole slaw that their grandmother made. She literally put cabbage and carrotts into a blender and pureed them to nothing and served it as slaw...YUM!

"So is walking" Gramanaise is persistent in her thoughts that my kids don't eat well so she makes all this shit that no one can eat because its horrible but healthy and then tells my kids to eat it because "its good fo you" (she uses baby talk a lot) Well, my son got tired of this and finally replied "so is walking"................side note.............gramanaise is about 100lbs over weight but claims she is healthy as a horse. I about died!

OK, here goes the whole name issue with her.

She requested intially to be called "Mimi". I was like, uhhh, OK, were you a former house maid in the south during the 1800's? I wanted to give her a red bandana..THEN she wanted to be called "Gramma Suzy". I was OK with this one since her name is Suzanne and it actually made sense. THEN she wanted to be called "Suzy Q". Great another member of the Hostess cupcake family. Thank God Twinky was taken. THEN she wanted to be called Virginia Gram (she moved to Virginia in the middle of night but that is another story) Great a fricken member of the Keebler elves now......Thank the holy heavens above she finally settled on one. We now call her .....drum roll please......Grandma Ginny. Oh yes, her name is Suzanne and it makes no sense except that she lives in Virginia but for the love of God we have a name! I just want to know what the hell happened to the simplified version of grandma?

The woman used a diaper bag for a purse at my wedding so what should I expect?

Kinder Babble

OMG, my children keep me laughing. I was sitting here thinking about all the great things in my life and how laughter keeps it real for me and these are the things I thought of.

My 5 year old daughter

"mommy, when you put notes in my lunch, I have to have the postcard read them"
Translation - school guard

"Mommy, I have sea creatures coming out of my nose again"
Translation - secretions (Her psycho crazy nitwit of a grandmother can't manage to say boogers or snot or any other normal word we use so my family has secretions)

"Mommy, I don't like driving to Grandma Ford's house (my mom and the best gram ever)...of course..anyway...."the roads up to her house make me sick and I need to take my grammabean"
Translation - Drammamine....need I say more

These are just some of my favorites!!

Here's the scoop

For the about 5 of you who wanted to know why I changed my blog name and address. Here is why. There are people who I know longer wish to have easy access to it and now they would have to be very creative to find me. Although, I am changing it again. Only my blog name though. I have kept trying to come up with a creative and fitting title and kept bombing out but the new one I have come up with totally fits and when I change it, it will stay. You will see why. Oh, and for some reason the only search engine that is finding my blog right now is Yahoo....I have no idea as to why but it is what it is.

Nicknames like K-girl, Ha and Horton: Why Ask Why???

Nicknames like K-girl, Ha and Horton: Why Ask Why???

Why Ask Why???

I keep asking myself every day why. Why is this woman driving 15mph in a 30mph zone when I am late going somewhere? Why, because the woman doesn't give a shit that I am late anymore than I would her. Why do people think that when we ask "how are you", that we truly want to know ALL the details? (God forbid you ask an elderly person because then you hear all about their bowels) I know, this sounds cruel but CHEESE & RICE (code for Jesus Christ because I simply can not let those words come out of my mouth for fear of being struck by lightening or a car) I have to give props to the writers of the Wedding Crashers for that one.

The fact of the matter is, is that if you don't want a question answered, then DON'T FREAKING ask it. So, I revert back to my title.....Why ask Why? (because that is what we do)

School Days

Yep, it is official....I'm old. My youngest is in Kindergarden and my oldest in 5th. This is the only time in their lives they will go to the same school. At least they get one year and Colton is so good with her. First one to drive her crazy but also the first one to come to her rescue. Kennedy was so very excited to go to school and make new friends. This is what she tells me:

"Mommy, do all of the kids here speak English"

"Yes, Kennedy, they do but there is a chance that you may have someone who speaks Spanish in your class. Just think, you will be able to talk to them"

"I have spoken Spanish long enough and don't want to"

"Well, you may have to help them, so be prepared.".............She then begins to giggle and says to me. "that is cool, we can talk about the teacher and she won't know what we are saying"

tooo funny!!

Colton is having a rehash of 1st grade. Same kids he had back then. He doesn't like any of them but to my salvation and his, there are about 15 more kids in the class so he has more to choose from. Also to our luck two of the main ones were moved to another class so all should be good.