Total strangers

have come to my rescue....literally. I am completely humbled by the random acts of kindness of total strangers. A newly found friend put the word out to her friends yesterday that she had a friend in need. Without any of them knowing me and simply trusting her, they have all donated money to help me. Words can not even begin to express my eternal gratitude and appreciation. Thank you isn't enough.

Am I deserving of this? I think so and here is why: The only thing I can think of is that it is the giving I have done in my life. I am one of those who gives $20 to the man/woman on the street. I buy food for their dog and have stopped and asked their stories. Many of us tend to judge their reasons for being on the street. Their stories have been interesting, sad, self-induced destruction and then.......there are people just like me. They had a lot and some odd chain of events turned their life upside down. Some may think I being dramatic here but seriously, think about it. I have no home to live in. I have no job (can't really get one that would support me here because of the "no hablo espanol' problem. which in turn translates into, "I HAVE NO MONEY". So without any of the above, I ask one question........

Would I be any different than the people we refuse to look at every day that come to the windows of our cars or we see sleeping on the park bench if I didn't have the friends I do?

Wednesday's Child is full of WHOAAAAAAA.....

That is surely what I feel like doing....just putting on the brakes and making the merry-go-round STOP!!! This has to be undoubtedly the most craziest thing I have ever had happen to me. (and I was born on a Wednesday)

So my lawyer calls me and is requesting all sorts of info that I can't go into because "HA" is probably reading this and I can't disclose my top secret info here......whatever.....anyway, she starts asking me all this stuff and I go "uhhh, you have that already...uhhhh, you have that already too...uhhhh....finally, I say "look, I'll get it all together for you again because at $180/hour I can't afford to have her shuffling through papers for shit she already has....UGH!!! I feel like Lucy from the Peanuts gang.

To date, here are some of the things I find humerous: Did you know that I am sooooo obsessed with my looks that I frequently put my life at risk having multiple cosmetic procedures done by unlicensed doctors. My mom abuses my kids (that was a fan favorite of hers too) I don't know how my siblings and I made it all these years with all the "abuse" we were subjected to. I have stolen $15k (that is also why I am borrowing $$ to buy food....makes sense to me)

Hi ho
Hi ho
its off to court we go......it really isn't funny and I don't want to do it but the alternative is to lose my kids and that is one thing that is not negotiable for me. I will die fighting for them!

Happy Anniversary

Yep, that is right. Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. It is also the day my dear friend Sara's mother passed away from breast cancer 2 years ago. My point here is that any day can be filled with joy or sorrow depending on what side of the fence you are standing on that day. For myself, I think this day will probably forever represent something along the lines of sorrow, regrets, new futures and mistakes.....all sorts of emotions. I have no doubt that ever year it will represent something different to me and I long for the day that it can pass me by without me ever knowing or caring.

Last night I tried to be brave and go out with some ladies I know. End of the year thing and sort of a "last hurrah" for all the families getting sent back to the states. So, I go and about 45 minutes into it have the worst panic attack EVER......needless to say, I went home vowing to never show my face again out of utter embarrassment. But then I said "oh, what the hell"...love me or leave me. Seriously though, people just don't know what to say to me. I have no doubt they see the look of anguish on my face and just freeze. I don't know that I would be any different.

This roller coaster of emotions is getting tiresome. I thought that "HA" (that would be my soon to be "ex" and I"ll explain the name if anyone cares to ask....it is rather funny) and I had come to agreement. Not great for either one of us but it put us living back in California raising the kids together. I was ready to have my attorney draw it up and "oops there goes another rubber tree, oops there goes another rubber tree......yep, you guessed it. HA no longer thinks it is a good idea. I GIVE UP!! Off to court we go on July 1st to let them settle the fate of our children. The thing I clearly do not get is that all I keep hearing is that "we need to act in the best interest of the kids"....hellllooooooo McFly........that is what we are doing by trying to settle this and not subject them to all the court issued psycho evals. But what the hell do I know.

I went into a lovely little boutique that I used to buy clothing in and today only looked. I was invited to go the Beach Club but that would of cost me $45 so I respectfully declined. I would LOVE to be playing tennis right now but the court fees are $15.......so I run instead.....it is free. I have been humbled to the point of feeling ashamed for my current situation. Not quite sure if this a normal feeling but that is what is going on. I haven't even been thrown a bone so to speak by "HA" in terms of cash. My good friend gave me money so I could buy food for them (my kids) to come and stay with me....how freaking pathetic is this?

"will work for food" that's my sign!!

Good Days:Bad Days

We all have them. You know the ones I am talking about. You open your eyes for the first time that morning and you simply know that the day will not be a good one. Today was one of those for me. I could feel the heaviness of my problems weighing greatly on me today. Aren't all of our problems relative though? Seriously, I don't have "dumb ass" cancer like my friend Wendy. (you'd have to read her blog to understand) I get up every morning on my own. My kids are healthy. I am not wondering where my next meal will come from. (well, not yet anyway...haha) I know you get my meaning. Things could be much worse for me but now, for today, I am allowing myself to have my own pity party! I am not sure what good will come of it but I am having it nonetheless!

So hear I sit with tears flowing down my face for no other reason except life's most current turn of events. I am not quite sure what the tears will get me except dry eyes but I can't seem to turn them off tonight......

incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result. Also known as irony. If my situation is not the epitome of this, I don't know what is. Seriously, who out there saw this coming? If you did, be smart and keep quite or I will hunt you down for not telling me! I distinctly remember asking The Man upstairs why my father contracted prostate cancer and why he went through so much pain and why such a good man was given so many crosses to bare. I remember watching him lying there in so much pain all he could do was grimace. He never complained nor did he ever ask "why me"? Instead he would muster up a smile or some wise ass remark to make the rest of somber idiots laugh. I remember him throwing Kennedy up in the air and catching her 2 days after surgery and loving every minute of it. Why am I rambling about this? It is because for the first time I realize a reason why my dad endured with grace what many of us could not. It was to show possibly only me, the value of perseverance and strength during the worst of times. I learned a great deal about those two things watching him fight the cancer. There are other things that were purposeful of his illness but they had nothing to do with me.

I wonder if later in life if I will look back at my time on the "ROH" and find any good or happy thoughts? The dark cloud that lingers over this place for me is thick with disdain. It represents such a dark time in my life. My father died. My marriage crumbled the rest of the way down it's rocky path and my kids were taken from me......these are the thoughts I take with me tonight...hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day but I guess that choice is mine. Is it really true that we "choose" to be happy or sad? Somehow I don't think I buy that one.

Sense & Nonsense

Well, here I sit yet again, thinking about the turn of events in my life. I wonder if this is what is meant when all the " well-doers" tell you the infamous phrase "that which does not kill you only makes you stronger".....bla bla bla. I think I may seriously slug ( actually fist punch) the next person who utters those words of encouragement.......OK, well maybe not that extreme but if that statement is true, I am mo&&*r f*c%$8n Hercules!! There was one point I actually thought I was dying and probably in some dark place in my mind wished I was. The undescribable pain of learning that you will be arrested and thrown in jail for simply taking your kids off a rock of hell and that it was all initiated by someone you "trust" ( I use that term loosely, but I did trust him with the kids) So there I sat on a plane for 10+ hours back to California with my life in complete upheaval and uncertainty, comforted by strangers.

That is the one thing that has been uplifting in this non-sensical (is that a word) snippet in my life.........the ability of complete strangers to carry us in times of hardship. Two women held me as I sobbed uncontrollably on the plane taking off from San Juan. I begged the flight attendants to stop and let me off but I lost that battle too. I remained on the plane with my life being ripped from my view of reality and surrounded by strangers. Some of which looked at me with sorrow. Some with curiosity. Some with irritation and those with compassion didn't just look, they held me. Me, someone who meant nothing to them but at that moment my needs appeared to mean everything to them. The same thing happened again on the 2nd leg of my flight. I was seated next to a woman whose bag read "we will carry the burden of others" A scripture quote from Genisis. Half way through the flight she asked me if she could pray for me. (could have been because I was crying ....oh...for about..... THE ENTIRE FLIGHT)! The kindness didn't stop with the plane ride back to California. I called some friends to talk to in an attempt to have some clarity on the recent turn of events. Those who know me also know that it is extremely difficult for me to ask for help. I am forever indebted to those of you who have carried me emotionally. Many who read this may not know that I was left with $100 to fend for myself. That is what 13 years of marriage will get ya......ONE HUNDRED BUCKS!! (for now anyway) For all you mathematicians out there, that is about $7.69 per year worth of "love". If I am being honest, I do need to tell you that I did end up with a little bit more but it is gone now. Had to give it to the attorney along with the borrowed money. With that tid-bit of information that rest will make more sense. My friends offered me credit cards to purchase a plane ticket back to "the rock of hell" (which I will now refer to as ROH) they offered me money to live on, a place to stay. Many spent their days trying to find me legal help. Others cried with me in utter disbelief. Some just listened and offered condolences. Some have given me thousands of dollars for legal fees and a place to stay. Some of these friends I have known only for a short time and some I have known for over 35 years. I also have the friends who mean well but can't get involved for reasons I appreciate and understand. I do have to admit however, that a few have sorely disappointed me. These were friends who I thought would be wise and insightful and they have proven to be distant and clearly not who I currently can turn to for strength. I must say I have a new found appreciation for what my father told me of friendship. He always told me that your friends come out when you need them. He said you may not hear from them for a while but your true friends will always be there to hold you up when you least expect it and when you are needing them the most. I always knew he was wise. I am just sorry I had to find out this way.

Have you every wondered what you would do if your life was turned upside down? Have you thought about what you would do if you had to start over? Have you ever even considered that the life you are living could be a summation of lies and scewed perception? Have all you moms out there ever imagined that your little rays of light, your kids, could be taken from you without cause? Could you ever imagine it being necessary to petition the courts to see your kids on Mother's Day because your spouse filed federal kidnapping accusations against you? All of this collectively or all of this separately..............I never even considered it.