Happy Anniversary

Yep, that is right. Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. It is also the day my dear friend Sara's mother passed away from breast cancer 2 years ago. My point here is that any day can be filled with joy or sorrow depending on what side of the fence you are standing on that day. For myself, I think this day will probably forever represent something along the lines of sorrow, regrets, new futures and mistakes.....all sorts of emotions. I have no doubt that ever year it will represent something different to me and I long for the day that it can pass me by without me ever knowing or caring.

Last night I tried to be brave and go out with some ladies I know. End of the year thing and sort of a "last hurrah" for all the families getting sent back to the states. So, I go and about 45 minutes into it have the worst panic attack EVER......needless to say, I went home vowing to never show my face again out of utter embarrassment. But then I said "oh, what the hell"...love me or leave me. Seriously though, people just don't know what to say to me. I have no doubt they see the look of anguish on my face and just freeze. I don't know that I would be any different.

This roller coaster of emotions is getting tiresome. I thought that "HA" (that would be my soon to be "ex" and I"ll explain the name if anyone cares to ask....it is rather funny) and I had come to agreement. Not great for either one of us but it put us living back in California raising the kids together. I was ready to have my attorney draw it up and "oops there goes another rubber tree, oops there goes another rubber tree......yep, you guessed it. HA no longer thinks it is a good idea. I GIVE UP!! Off to court we go on July 1st to let them settle the fate of our children. The thing I clearly do not get is that all I keep hearing is that "we need to act in the best interest of the kids"....hellllooooooo McFly........that is what we are doing by trying to settle this and not subject them to all the court issued psycho evals. But what the hell do I know.

I went into a lovely little boutique that I used to buy clothing in and today only looked. I was invited to go the Beach Club but that would of cost me $45 so I respectfully declined. I would LOVE to be playing tennis right now but the court fees are $15.......so I run instead.....it is free. I have been humbled to the point of feeling ashamed for my current situation. Not quite sure if this a normal feeling but that is what is going on. I haven't even been thrown a bone so to speak by "HA" in terms of cash. My good friend gave me money so I could buy food for them (my kids) to come and stay with me....how freaking pathetic is this?

"will work for food" that's my sign!!